How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie

Źródło: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4865.HowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeople

Moja ocena: 5/6

Kluczowe wnioski

Gdy mam jakiś problem z drugą osobą, to wystarczy, że zajrzę do tych notatek, znajdę opis tego problemu i zastosuję rozwiązanie proponowane przez Dale’a Carnegiego.

Dotychczas to podejście działa w 100%.

Problem w tym, że za każdym razem, gdy stosowałem taktyki opisane w tej książce, to czułem, że są to tak naprawdę sztuczki. Te sztuczki powodują, że nie mogę być do końca szczery z drugą osobą i zawsze muszę być “tym mądrzejszym” w relacji.

I z czasem staje się to niesamowicie męczące.

Zdecydowanie bardziej wolę opierać relacje na szczerości i konstruktywnym konflikcie. Jest to początkowo trudniejsza ścieżka, ale opiera się wspólnym dążeniu do rozwiązania problemu. Zamiast maskować problem, rozwiązujemy go u źródła, bo inaczej się nie da, gdy wszystkie brudy wyjdą na wierzch. Jest też wtedy znacznie łatwiej znaleźć rozwiązanie i przy okazji oczyścić atmosferę.

Dlatego korzystam z opisanych tutaj metod przeważnie w dwóch przypadkach:

  1. W podbramkowych sytuacjach krytycznych, gdy naprawdę nie potrafię sobie z kimś poradzić.
  2. W celu zbudowania zaufania, które jest niezbędne do konstruktywnego konfliktu.

Patrick Lencioni w książce The Five Dysfunctions of a Team zaprezentował, że konstruktywny konflikt i zaangażowanie są możliwe tylko wtedy, gdy zbudowaliśmy zaufanie.

Bez zaufania, konflikt przeradza się w mało konstruktywną wojnę, ludzie się obrażają, a atmosfera robi się gęsta. Byłem tego świadkiem zbyt wiele razy.

Dlatego, żeby zbudować zaufanie, możemy skorzystać z taktyk przedstawionych w “How to Win Friends…“. Choć wspólne wyjście na piwo też dobrze działa.

Notatki

Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

Give honest and sincere appreciation.

Arouse in the other person an eager want

You are interested in what you want. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want. So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

If for example you don’t want someone to smoke, don’t preach them and don’t talk about what you want;

We all started finger-painting on the kitchen table - my wife, Lil, my other son Bob, and myself, all having fun. Soon Tim was peeping around the corner. Next he was begging to participate. “Oh, no! You have to go to kindergarten first to learn how to fingerpaint.”

If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.

First, arouse on the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.

To make people like you

Become genuinely interested in other people.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

Smile.

Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

Be a good listener

Sometimes be “hearty in approbation and lavish in praise”.

People fail to make a favorable impression because they don’t listen attentively. “They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep theirs ears open.

Important people prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.

Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

Always make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely

Desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature.

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

Express honest admiration for others hobby and interests to get something from them.

Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.

To win people to your way of thinking

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

You can’t win an argument.

If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will. ~Benjamin Franklin

Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree. Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.

Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right.

When one yells, the other should listen - because when two people yell, there is no communication, just noise and bad vibration.

How to avoid making enemies

You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.

Be wiser than other people if you can.

If a person makes a statement that you think is wrong - yes, even that you know is wrong - isn’t it better to begin by saying:

🚨 “Well, now, look. I thought otherwise but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.” - magical phrase.

Nobody will ever object to your saying: “I may be wrong. Let’s examine the facts.”

When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our esophagus.

Don’t argue with people, don’t tell them they are wrong. Use diplomacy.

If you are wrong - admit it quickly and emphatically.

Begin in a friendly way.

The secret of Socrates

In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin with emphasizing - the things which you agree. Keep your opponent from saying no.

Socratic method - getting “yes, yes” response. He asked questions with which opponent would have to agree. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would denied a few minutes before.

Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

Let the other person do a great deal of the talking

They need to talk themselves out. Don’t interrupt if you disagree.

How to get cooperation

Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

A formula that will work wonders for you:

  • People may be totally wrong, but they don’t think so.
  • Try to understand them.
  • There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Find out the reason and you have the key to his actions and probably his personality.
  • Put yourself in their shoes. Ask: how would I react?
  • During the interview - think about what they want and how would you answer that.
  • Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

What everybody wants

Magic phrase that stops arguments and creates good will:

“I don’t blame you for feelings as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do”.

Be sympathetic with other person’s ideas and desires.

An appeal that everybody likes

Appeal to the nobler motives.

DRAMATIZE YOUR IDEAS <----!!!!! 🚔

The movies do it. TV does it. Why don’t you do it?

When nothing else works, try this

Throw down a challenge.

Successful person loves ‘the game’, desire to excel.

Be a leader

If you must find fault, this is the way to begin

💡 me: doesn’t work these days

It’s always easier to hear unpleasant things after we have heard some praise in our good points.

Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

How to criticize and not be hated for it

To achieve success change “but” to “and”:

“We are really proud of you for (…) and by continuing efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others”.

Do not antagonize if someone did something bad. Fix their mistakes in secret and thank them for doing that. They will freak out and will change their behavior (women, builder and the lawn).

Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person: and then suggest them to not make the same mistakes as you did.

Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

No one likes to take orders.

Let the other person save face

What matters is not what I think of someone, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.

How to encourage people to become successful

We all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.

Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise”.

Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

aka Give a dog a good name

Make the fault seems easy to correct

Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve.

But use the opposite technique - be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to to, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has undeveloped flair for it - and he will practice until the dawn comes in order to excel.

Use encouragement. Make the fault see easy to correct.

Making people glad to do what you want

Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.

Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants.

Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.

Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.

When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.

Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

👉 The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear and get a record of successful experiences behind you.

Summary

The deepest urge in human nature is ‘the desire to be important’.